Still on Hiatus…Kind of

I know I wrote that I was on a hiatus of sorts, and I still am, but wanted to share some news with you all. Over the last week or so (and I kind of mentioned this in my last post) I’ve really been thinking of taking a break from this whole illness thing. I know that I cannot control my physical limitations, but I can certainly control how I react and respond to them.

Sooo, I’ve been thinking on this a great deal as of late. I am so much more than my illness. I’ve decided that I’m going to live my life, and I’m not going to let my illness get in the way. Some people might call this denial, and that’s ok by me; if it means that I can attempt going on with my life and putting my illness on the back burner to accomplish this, then so be it. I’ve mentioned before that there is only so much reading, research, illness related social networking, worrying, etc. that I can do. I’m tired of my illness being in the forefront of my mind from the moment I wake up. Used to be, I’d get up every morning and take my vitals, freak out a bit if they weren’t in the “normal” range, get myself all worked up, go on illness related sites and whatnot, get all worked up again, and on, and on, and on.

I found myself beginning to spiral out of control, not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well. I need a break from all of that. I need time to appreciate and be grateful for the things I do have and can do.

This past week has been liberating to say the least. I’ve been out more this week than I have in the past several months. One day this week, I wanted to take Beauty Queen out to do some errands and shopping. As you all know, I’m not the type that goes out often, especially without Big Handsome. Over the years, I’ve become a sort of agoraphobic, where I wouldn’t go anywhere without Big Handsome. As I began to get somewhat comfortable with my limitations I began to go out a bit more, but only if Beauty Queen was with me (so she could drive if need be) and/or my Sonshine (teen son). I still don’t go out alone, hopefully that will change at some point.

Back to this last week. I took Beauty Queen out and we went to several locations. We were able to accomplish all we set out to do and we had fun together. In the past, this never would’ve occurred. Then, the next day I had my hair appointment. Beauty Queen drove me and all turned out well. Today, I took the kids to get some breakfast and then to purchase some gourmet cupcakes for her birthday coming up. Usually, I wouldn’t even attempt to go outside my usual ten mile radius, but today, I actually drove all over, waaayyyy past my comfort zone, and I did it all without freaking out.

Sooo, I’m feeling quite free. Call it denial, or just taking back my life. Whatevs…all I know is that I haven’t felt this great in a long, long while.

I’m still on hiatus while I try to perfect this new life of mine. I do realize that this euphoria can’t last forever, or there won’t be some “sick” days, but my hope is that they are few and far between. Call it an experiment of sorts. I’m even taking a break from recording every detail of my illness on a daily basis (that’s one more thing I can check off the to-do list) I’ll be back shortly to share my progress.

I might be helpless at times, but I shall never be hopeless J