My Letter To POTS

I recently read on a forum about writing a letter to one’s chronic illness, in my case POTS. WOW, what an idea! I’ve wanted to write a strongly worded letter to someone for some time now; why not write one to my chronic illness? I have so much to say; here’s my chance. Buckle down; this might be a long one…

The other day I was driving and the song My Immortal by Evanescence came on the radio. As I was listening to the lyrics, I began thinking of my letter to POTS. This song strongly resonates with my feelings towards POTS.

So…here goes my strongly worded letter, albeit not as strongly worded as I would like it to be; I feel I must maintain some semblance of self-control. On second thought, maybe I will just say what’s on my mind. This is my blog, is it not? I can write anything I want and I really want POTS to know exactly how I feel.

 Dear you cranky-ass pile of @%&*$*%^$*!!,

          I really hope you are having a crappy day, because if your day is going well, that would mean that mine is not. Most days you seem to revel in my desperation. That’s just not nice…at all. I’m tired of you running and ruining my life. I guess I should really say that I’m tired of allowing you to run and ruin my life. I don’t really have a choice in the matter though and that’s the sucky part.

          I’ve given up so much for you. My family has suffered so because of you. You’ve taken away my ability to do so much. Why can’t you just allow my heart to beat normally, not too slow, not too fast, you know just right (kinda like Goldilocks)? Enough with the anxiety already too! It’s bad enough on a normal day, but you have to go and totally screw with my anxiety so much so that the littlest thing completely sends me into a tailspin. You can’t just leave my emotions alone either; at times I can’t even get through a supermarket commercial without breaking down into tears. Clearly you get some sort of pleasure out of me having to do laundry and clean my sheets from all the night sweats you put me through too. Seriously, how much can one person take?? While I appreciate a little bit of weight loss, clearly you are out of control. Could you just for one day lay off and let me have an appetite, maybe even enjoy a meal without wanting to hurl?

 Do you honestly think that anyone enjoys the feeling of not wanting to do anything? If you think that I like having people tell me that maybe I should exercise more, maybe I should get out more, maybe I should eat better or stop my bad habits, you’ve got another thing coming. No one likes to hear these remarks. They are insensitive and hurtful and it’s all because of you. I’m really quite pissed off at you, however I guess as Big Handsome always likes to say, “better to be pissed off than pissed on”.

          You are like a car that makes annoying ticking noises for days on end, but when the car is taken to the mechanic, the incessant noise is nowhere to be heard. It’s akin to having all these symptoms and when I finally get to the doctor, you seem to mysteriously disappear only to leave me holding the proverbial bag.  By the way, do you think I like spending an inordinate amount of time on the toilet because I’ve been told to drink more water, which by the way, doesn’t even help me all that much? Every time I go out (which isn’t that often, thanks to you), the first thing I have to do is scope out where the restrooms are located; yeah, not the makings for spontaneity.

          It would be nice to have friends, but noooo you’re not just satisfied with turning my whole world upside down, you’ve got to take my friends as well. Who wants to be around someone that might keel over any minute, or with someone that might need them to call 911 at a moment’s notice? Most people don’t want to get involved, and get it for once; most people just don’t want to be around sick people. I know I don’t!!

          Could you cut out the tinnitus by any chance? I mean really, this constant ringing in my ears is enough to make a sane person go crazy! If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times, if the tinnitus is going to stick around, isn’t there a way to have it play Tchaikovsky or at the very least some songs from The Fray or Nickelback; I’ll even take The Goo Goo Dolls? And what’s up with my eyesight going to pot? Now, I need reading glasses which isn’t all that bad if that was the only thing I had to worry about. The constant protozoa-type organism thingies that are floating all over my field of vision are a little much, don’t you think? Seriously, sometimes it is rather calming to watch them float by, but I’m sure I can come up with many other exciting ways to spend my time. You are putting a serious damper on my life.

          In order to get you to fully understand how I feel (if I haven’t expressed enough already), I’m going to relate you to the song “My Immortal” by Evanescence. I’m sure there is some reason behind these song lyrics, but I love that people are all individual and thus have varied perceptions and interpretations; it's what makes everyone so unique. This song (at least the first part) seems to fit my situation with you. Many people have love-hate relationships. Just so you know, my relationship with you is definitely hate-hate.

          Back to the song…”I’m so tired of being here”, I am just so tired of being in this situation with you, and you never seem to let up. There never seems to be a day that goes by that I’m not reminded of you, some way, somehow. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. “Suppressed by all my childish fears”, forget childish fears; how about every fear in the book? You cause me to fear everything. I fear the unknown. I have fear of dying and leaving my family behind. I fear that I will never be rid of you and able to lead a half-way normal life. I fear the fear, and it’s all because of you. Why can’t you just leave me alone already!?! “I wish that you would just leave”, oh, how I wish you would just leave. You know the saying “you don’t miss something until it’s gone”? Well, guess what? Newsflash! You can leave anytime you want and please don’t feel the need to return on my account, ever again. By the way, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. “Your presence still lingers here and it won’t leave me alone”, please, just leave already! I really don’t know how much more plainly this can be put. I don’t want you here, I never wanted you here. I still don’t know why you’re here. “These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there’s just too much that time cannot erase”, every time I try to understand you and to work with you, you just laugh in my face and throw another wrench into my world. Not to mention that doctors look at me like I’m crazy, like they’ve never encountered a person with a bazillion symptoms that don’t seem to point to anything in particular so they slapped me with the diagnosis of you. "When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand through all of these years, but you still have all of me", I've been there with you through it all  (not by choice, mind you) and you still have me. I don't want you to still have me. I have so much to give and I really don't want to continue to waste it on you. My family and I deserve more. "I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone, but though you're still with me, I've been alone all along."

          The pain you’ve put me through, emotional, physical, mental and spiritual is enough to do anyone in. Well guess what? I’ve got news for you! YOU CAN’T HAVE ME!!! I won’t let you. You might knock me down for a few hours, a few days, a few months, even a few years, but I’ve still got some fight in me and like a mama bear to her cubs, I am willing to fight you to the death…your death that is.

In the words of Liam Neeson from the movie Taken (with a few adjustments):

“I [do] know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills. [Internet skills] I have acquired over a very [short time]. Skills that make me a nightmare for [things] like you. If you let [me] go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you; I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you; I will find you, and I will [get rid of] you.

Heed my warning!! Be afraid, be very afraid!! I will find out your reasons for invading my life and I will find a way to defeat you, not only for my sake, but for the sake of my family as well.

You’re an A$$,

~Never Hopeless…so there!

P.S. Believe me, I have so much more to say to you. I didn’t even mention the migraines, constant headaches, general malaise, sensitivity to medications, the fact that I even have to be on medications in the first place, the fluctuations in blood pressure, not being able to do what I want, when I want; oh, I could go on and on and on, but as usual, you have totally exhausted me again…

My Immortal ~Evanescence