Finding Creative Outlets and other Ramblings

Wow! I can’t believe it’s been almost nine months since my last post. I have been on the rollercoaster of life and I am totally ready to get off.

When I took a break, I took it because I was “living” my illness, instead of just trying to “live” with it. I was just so absorbed in everything that was wrong, that I wasn’t even noticing the things that were right. I mean seriously, folding a load of laundry, in the eyes of a healthy person isn’t a big deal, but in the life of the chronically ill, it’s akin to headline news!

It’s taken me a while, a long while (I’m going on 6 years of being ill) and I still find that I continue to work on discovering my “new normal.” I still have bad days, but I try to focus more on the good days. Sometimes it works, sometimes…not so much.

I’m also now dealing with Big Handsome having a Chronic Illness as well. I guess he didn’t get the memo about the whole “One Chronic Illness per Household,” but that is for a totally separate post.

Over the last nine months (aside from taking care of BH), I’ve tried several hobbies to get my mind off my illness and onto my creativity. Instead of searching the internet and/or FB for illness related sites and groups, I began to search for creative outlets. I discovered and joined many groups to try to tap into my creative juices.

I discovered:

·        Art Journaling

·        Painting

·        Watercolor

·        ICADs (Index Card a Day)

·        Junk Journals

·        Book Binding

·        Altered Books

·        List Journaling

·        Collage

·        Fauxbonichi (Fake-Hobonichi)

·        Traveler’s Notebooks

 

…as well as many more. I found that I enjoy lots of the above, but as of late, I’ve really been enjoying the Fauxbonichi.

 

A Fauxbonichi is a “fake” Hobonichi. A Hobonichi is a Japanese style planner that is used to document your life with pictures and words. Through YouTube, I found a group on FB and jumped right in. I really enjoy doing this type of journaling. I refer to it as an Illustrated Diary.

 

I found through much trial and error over the last nine months what I like and what I don’t like concerning art, more specifically journaling and my art. I found that I really like to journal, but I don’t like the whole “Dear Diary” thing. I found that while I don’t enjoy drawing, I enjoy cutting and pasting pictures from magazines. I found that I can use my creativity in a fun, different way. Everyone has their own special way to “Fauxbonichi,” but that’s what’s so great about it, there are no rules; I just do what feels right, creatively, for me. It’s a way to document my life in a more colorful way. I rarely write about my illness, although sometimes it slips in anyway, whether I like it or not. Mostly, I write, draw, paste, and color my days; what I did, where I went, who did what, what was for dinner, and the like. Sometimes I put in quotes, or Scripture, or original poetry. The group I belong to is a super group filled with all sorts of people from all over the world, from all walks of life, with all levels of talent. They are such a supportive and encouraging group, and I’m so glad I found them.

 

Through my “art journey”, I found that I am most consistent in being inconsistent, but with the illustrated journaling, I feel that I can just be myself, create for myself, and document my memories. It has been such a refreshing change.

Here are some examples:

 

I sincerely hope to be blogging on a regular basis soon. A lot has been going on around here, some good, some bad, but I always try to remember that although I might feel helpless at times, I shall never be hopeless!



Small Catch Up

Ok...So it's been a while, a LONG while...Life has a way of getting a hold on you, and sometimes you just have to ride the wave. Here are some of the things I've been up to; some happy, some sad, some frustrating:

~  My dad was able to visit us over Christmas. We had a great time down at "Big Handsome's Hideaway" in Key Largo, until the next event happened...

~  My brother passed away on December 29, 2013 suddenly. It was a complete shock to the entire family and "sad" just doesn't do my feelings justice. He lived on the other side of the country and we didn't see each other much at all, in fact the last time I had seen him was the year before when our beloved mother passed away. I wouldn't go to the funeral; I just wasn't ready to say goodbye. I am still not ready.

~  In January, I began teaching my Art Appreciation class that I taught to high school homeschoolers at our Co-op. It was fun and interesting. I'd never taught Art, nor had I ever taught high schoolers.

~  It was Beauty Queen's senior year of high school, so we were quite busy getting everything together, taking SAT, ACT, ordering diploma (which I still haven't done yet), getting senior pictures taken, getting ready for Senior Prom, getting ready for Graduation, and on, and on, and on.

~  Spending weekends at Big Handsome's Hideaway. Big Handsome closing in part of our downstairs breezeway to make a lovely outdoor patio. We are still working on that.

~  Healthwise, I've been doing ok. Since teaching my Art Appreciation class, I've been bitten by the "Art Bug". I've been busy watching all sorts of YouTube videos, making my own art journals, junk journals, painted papers, and generally just experimenting. I try to do art daily. It takes up a lot of my time, but it is something I really enjoy doing and there is something so therapeutic in creating something daily. I've also joined a FB group that is all about art journaling. I absolutely love it and all the talented people that are on there. I get daily inspiration and support from them.

~  I've also tried to keep in touch with my illness sites: Coping with Chronic Illness and POTSY Paradise. The admin is such a lovely lady with such a tender heart and a real gift for support and encouragement. I truly cherish the friendship that we have cultivated over the last year +.

~  Big Handsome has had his own health issues as of late. He began last summer with headaches, pressure, vertigo, dizziness, et al. At first he went to and ENT because we thought it might be sinus related. Well...many appointments, tests, medications, procedures later we found that nothing was helping. He finally went to a Neuro and found through an MRI that he has herniated disks and a host of other issues in his C-Spine area. Two choices are: surgery or pain management. Haven't really done anything about it all as of yet. Plus he spent five days in the hospital recently with another bout of pancreatitis.

~  School year is starting up again. I've now got just my teenage Sonshine to school this year. He's also beginning his college career and getting him registered was a nightmare. I still haven't enrolled him in his Virtual School classes, and I don't even know if I have all of his books yet. Summer has gone by way too fast.

~  I will be teaching again at the Co-op in January and I haven't even begun to plan for it. Usually I'm all prepared, get all my planning done over the summer, but that hasn't happened this year. It's a Creative Writing class. I shall be teaching the high schoolers again. We are going to create Autobiographies. Hopefully I'll get the darned class planned before it actually starts.

I'm sure there is a bunch I'm missing, suffice it to say, I've been busy. Such is life though, eh? I guess I should be thankful that I can say that I've been busy. I'm totally thankful that I haven't had to spend nearly the amount of time in bed as I used to.

Sorry I haven't been on here to update. I'm going to try to post more often. I've got to come up with some Top Ten Tuesday lists as well. Hopefully, it won't be so long before my next post.

We might feel helpless at times, but we are never hopeless! 

 

One of my Art Journal pages

Top Ten Tuesdays

Top Ten Favorite Websites, Blogs and Facebook Pages Related To Dysautonomia

I’ve been dealing with chronic illness for almost 4 years now. Not quite as long as many, but believe me, long enough. I’ve spent countless hours online reading, researching and trying to find out as much as I can about this disorder. Some the following sites can be found on the “Helpful Sites and Whatnot” tab at the top of this blog, but I figured it was time to list them in my Top Ten Tuesdays.

So…here goes my top ten favorite websites, blogs and facebook pages in no particular order:

1. https://www.facebook.com/groups/potsyparadise/

Ok, I realize I said “in no particular order” however I had to list this Facebook group first. This has become my “go to” FB page of late. It is a closed group for those with chronic illness, although chronic illness is rarely discussed. We talk about and share our lives outside of our illness, and it is so refreshing. I’ve so enjoyed getting to know the wonderful people on this site as well as the admin. (Linda Burgess Parsons). This site is a breath of fresh air. Check it out!!

2. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Living-With-Bob-Dysautonomia/137659809587078

This is another FB page, although the author (Michelle) has a blog as well: http://bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.com/ The author is a former Neuropsychologist unfortunately turned Dysautonomia patient. She is an extraordinary writer and has a knack for putting my thoughts into eloquent words. Of course they are her thoughts, however they resonate with me quite often.

3.  http://dinet.org/

This is an informational site for those with Dysautonomia. There is a plethora of information on this site; anything from definitions to doctors around the world who specialize in Dysautonomia.

4.  http://forums.dinet.org/

This is a page on Dinet.org. Here on the forums you can find caring, compassionate and encouraging people from all over the world sharing, asking, comforting, and discussing all things dealing with chronic illness, specifically Dysautonomia. This forum has been a god-send to me many times.

5.  http://justmildlymedicated.com/

This is a blog that I enjoy reading as well. The author (Carrie) is a military mom of four (thank you so much for your service Carrie!) She has a wonderful way of incorporating humor into the world of chronic illness that would otherwise not be humorous at all.

6. http://letsfeelbetter.com/

This is a blog from a gal that lives near my area. I’ve just recently come upon it and have enjoyed reading it. She is a free lance writer and has been published in magazines. She is getting Dysautonomia out there for all to read and increasing awareness one story at a time.

7. http://www.dysautonomiasos.com/

This is an informational site. It too has a plethora of information regarding Dysautonomia. They are making wonderful strides in awareness.

8. http://lethargicsmiles.wordpress.com/

This is yet another blog that I follow. The author writes about her life with chronic illness, specifically POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome). There is lots of info on the site and she allows us into her life with chronic illness.

9. https://www.facebook.com/groups/198025970324867/

This is a FB group that I just joined. It is called “Thriving with Dysautonomia” I can’t wait to dive in and get to know everyone.

10. https://www.facebook.com/groups/664857806880898/

This is yet another FB group called “Coping: Chronic Illness Support” It is another group that Linda Burgess Parsons admins. Linda does an awesome job and is always there with a smile and encouraging words.

As you can see, I spend heaps of time on Facebook!! I’m slightly embarrassed J Everyone needs support and encouragement and that’s what I get from the FB pages. Most of the FB groups I’ve listed (if not all) are closed groups which means that only the people that have been accepted into the group can see your posts. I prefer it this way as I don’t like sharing my illness with my family and friends, with the exception of my online friends. I know it sounds strange, but most of my family and friends don’t really know that I’m sick and/or if they do, they don’t really understand. That’s precisely why I enjoy these closed groups. I get to share and be encouraged as well as trying to do my part in supporting and encouraging others. I can tell you that it sure is nice to know that I’m not alone in dealing with this illness.

If you’re dealing with Dysautonomia please be sure to check out some of the above sites. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

If anyone reading this has any sites, blogs, FB groups and the like to share that aren’t listed above, please feel free to leave a comment below.

We might feel helpless at times, but we shall never be hopeless!

Just Another Day in Paradise

I’ve mentioned before that I was on a hiatus of sorts from my illness. I found myself spending an inordinate amount of time dwelling on my vital signs, symptoms, research, trying to find new doctors and on and on and on. For me it was quite literally sucking the life right out of me. During this time, when I was realizing that certainly there has to be something out there that is positive; I ran across a Facebook group called POTSY Paradise. It began as a group for those with Dysautonomia, but has since blossomed into a group for those with chronic illness.

Check it out: https://www.facebook.com/groups/potsyparadise/

“POTSY Paradise is a place where those with a form of Dysautonomia, and related conditions, can come together to talk about their interests, dreams, hopes, lives. While we have Dysautonomia, or take care of someone who does, we rarely talk about it here. In Paradise, we are more than our illness. We are a group of people, who share a unique bond--one founded  in illness, but kept together through friendships that form by sharing more about ourselves. All that is said in POTSY Paradise, respectfully stays in POTSY Paradise. This is our GETAWAY from our illness, a place we can talk and be us, not our illness. Welcome, my friends, to POTSY Paradise.”

POTSY Paradise is now one of my “go-to” sites. There, I’m able to share in life outside my illness. I’m able to share about small victories, my pets, my family, my newly found artistic side. Through this site, not only do I feel free to share about my life, but am truly blessed to share in others’ lives as well. POTSY Paradise is truly an uplifting, encouraging blessing that I am so thankful to have happened upon. Truth be told, I really don’t believe that I just “happened” upon it. I believe I was lead to it, and for that I am surely thankful.

Recently an article was published in “The Lima News” (Ohio) about the site and its administrator’s story (Linda Burgess Parsons). It’s a great article and I’m so glad to see that word about this disorder is getting out there.

Check out the article here: http://www.limaohio.com/news/news_lifestyles/468535/Just-another-day-in-paradise

 

So…a huge thank you and the richest of blessings to POTSY Paradise for a lovely respite from this disorder.

Stupid Question

So I’ve been off the grid, so to speak for over a month now. I was hoping to come back on and be all “The world is my oyster, I’ve kicked this disorder’s a$$!” Sadly, not the case. I was trying to will this syndrome away, to no avail. I can still be thankful that I am about 20-30% better, but no way near back to my old self. I have chosen to live with it and do the best I can with what I’ve got.

I was thinking the other day that I need to call my doctor to make an appointment to refill my prescriptions. That’s all they really do for me, fill prescriptions. I guess it’s better than doing absolutely nothing. So, I was thinking about what I’d love to say (but probably won’t because I’m not the confrontational type) when the well-meaning doctor asks, quite possibly in my opinion, the stupidest question ever asked by a doctor to a patient with chronic illness…

“So how are you feeling?”…

My fantasy answer would go something like this:

“So, how am I feeling…how am I feeling? Let’s start with last night as I tossed and turned because my lower back, joints and tendons are in so much pain that it wakes me about every other hour, thus allowing me to get about 2 hours of continuous sleep at a time. This of course, is provided I can even get to sleep before I smell the coffee brewing for the next day with my tinnitus going full tilt, yet another headache, and a head full of thoughts about all the stuff I have to get done the next day but might not be able to.

I reluctantly wake the next morning sleep deprived, but I make the decision that this is a new day with new mercies.

Hmmm…how am I feeling? Well, I’m just hoping I can get through the day. As I roll out of bed feeling as though I’m eighty years old (even though I’m half that), complete with aches and pains as if somehow a Mac truck has sneaked into my room at night and run me over about a dozen times, I hobble into the bathroom to complete my morning routine which consists of peeing an inordinate amount of vermilion urine, possible diarrhea, brushing my teeth that hurt because I clench them so hard at night (I’ve cracked two molars now) hoping I don’t gag and throw up. I might need to revisit the toilet numerous times in the next couple of hours with the big D depending on the morning. Ahhh, what joy!

Actually, my mornings and afternoons go well most days provided I don’t have to double up on my anxiety meds because I have to drive somewhere or someone is coming over. Hopefully, I don’t get an adrenaline rush (or what I believe to be an adrenaline rush, I don’t know for sure as no doctor has ever looked into it) that leaves me in a pile of sweat on my cool bathroom tile floor unable to move or lift myself up. These usually happen at night though for no apparent rhyme or reason. I just lie there and have to wait for them to pass, and then I need to sleep for about 14 hours. This is just about the only time I get sleep, although I’d rather not have to go through the feeling of death in order to get some sleep.

I hope that I can do up the morning dishes without going into tachycardia, sweating profusely, tingling all over and ready to pass out, hurl or both. I hope that I can do a few loads of laundry so that my family at least has clean underwear. If I accomplish at least this without chest pain, I consider it a win. If I can get through one day without thinking I’m having a heart attack and wondering if I should call Big Handsome home to take me to the ER, I consider it a win. Hell, if I get up in the morning, I consider it a win.

I then retire to my bedroom where I spend most of my time. Maybe I’ll try to draw in the attempt to relax and lower my blood pressure that is slowly creeping upward. I would love to lie there in my comfy bed and draw, but I can’t because as of late, my eyes don’t work well with the need of reading glasses now, the floaters swimming haphazardly through my field of vision and my hands are to too shaky to draw a straight line.  A headache begins, but I’m used to those since I have one just about every single day of my life. I’m hoping it doesn’t turn into “the” headache that leaves me in a fetal position for hours and sometimes days.

I try to work with my kids on their schoolwork, all from my bed complete with laptop and books strewn all over my coverlet along with my two children and two dogs. Thank heavens for a king-sized bed. I attempt to instruct my children in Geometry, Pre-Calculus and Chemistry all with a brain-fog that leaves me not knowing which way is up.

Lunchtime is left up to the kids. At this point I don’t even know what they are eating. For all I know, lunch might consist of a pile of cheese balls. At least I know they will get a decent dinner as Big Handsome has graciously taken over that task because I can’t stand long enough at the stove to cook a meal anymore, and even if I did the tachycardia and fatigue would leave me unable to even eat the meal prepared.

I’d love to do about 15 minutes of Wii Fit Yoga, but choose not to as I know I will pay for it in spades for the next few days while my joints and tendons seem to be on fire. Might I have fibromyalgia?? Who knows, because yet again, no doctor has ever looked into it or entertained the idea that something else might be going on. 

At dinner, I eat approximately ¼ of what I used to eat and I only eat that because I have to. My stomach tells me I’m hungry but my mind says that I want to hurl just at the smell of food. After I choke down my meal, it’s onto the couch for the remainder of the evening. The headache continues as does the tinnitus, at which point I have to turn on the subtitles while attempting to watch a show because I can’t hear what is going on. If the character is turned away from the screen while talking, I can’t read their lips and am forever annoying my beloved family with “Huh???” “What did he say?” thus the need for closed captioning as well as the volume turned up to about 50, which does wonders for the headache. Wish I knew what was going on with all the hearing/tinnitus issues, but low and behold, no doctor has even talked with me about it.

I then retire to back to my bedroom hoping, praying that sleep will come, but all I have to look forward to is the same type of day tomorrow, that’s only if I can get to sleep at all.

So… dear doctor…in answer to the stupidest question ever asked, “How are you feeling?” How do you think I’m feeling? My answer is…”Like $hit, practically every day of my life.” By the way, this is my typical day. I haven't even mentioned the bradycardia, swings in blood pressure, nausea, and so much more. I’d like to ask you a question now, “What the hell are you going to do about it?”

And so, this is my triumphant return to the world of chronic illness. Thankful that I am still here to battle yet another day.

I hope that I can share something more positive in the near future.

Half Back

I know I’ve been on a break so to speak; a break from blogging, mind you, not from life; boy, that would be nice for a change.

When I contemplated writing posts again I fully had the intention of starting off on a positive note. I so wanted to tell the world that I had a new lease on life, that I had willed my illness away. Sadly, to no avail. I  My body failed in my objective to leave this illness behind and carry on with life; a new life, my life. Unfortunately, this illness has a mind of its own. It's quite akin to attempting to reason with a willful toddler.

Not starting out on the right foot it seems. Tomorrow, I shall try the other foot I suppose.

I shall continue to try to do my best to live with what I’ve got.

I might feel helpless at times, but I will never be hopeless...



Namaste Mental Health and Wellness Center

Still on hiatus, but wanted to share my brother's new business out in California, in the LA area.

You can learn all about it by going to the following link: http://namastemhwc.com/
Check it out!!

namastemhwc.com

Such An Inspiration

Michelle is one of my inspirations and such a talented writer. She always seems to put into words the exact thoughts I am thinking. She seriously has a super power!! Check her out :)

http://bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/finding-support-by-cleaning-house.html

Still on Hiatus…Kind of

I know I wrote that I was on a hiatus of sorts, and I still am, but wanted to share some news with you all. Over the last week or so (and I kind of mentioned this in my last post) I’ve really been thinking of taking a break from this whole illness thing. I know that I cannot control my physical limitations, but I can certainly control how I react and respond to them.

Sooo, I’ve been thinking on this a great deal as of late. I am so much more than my illness. I’ve decided that I’m going to live my life, and I’m not going to let my illness get in the way. Some people might call this denial, and that’s ok by me; if it means that I can attempt going on with my life and putting my illness on the back burner to accomplish this, then so be it. I’ve mentioned before that there is only so much reading, research, illness related social networking, worrying, etc. that I can do. I’m tired of my illness being in the forefront of my mind from the moment I wake up. Used to be, I’d get up every morning and take my vitals, freak out a bit if they weren’t in the “normal” range, get myself all worked up, go on illness related sites and whatnot, get all worked up again, and on, and on, and on.

I found myself beginning to spiral out of control, not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well. I need a break from all of that. I need time to appreciate and be grateful for the things I do have and can do.

This past week has been liberating to say the least. I’ve been out more this week than I have in the past several months. One day this week, I wanted to take Beauty Queen out to do some errands and shopping. As you all know, I’m not the type that goes out often, especially without Big Handsome. Over the years, I’ve become a sort of agoraphobic, where I wouldn’t go anywhere without Big Handsome. As I began to get somewhat comfortable with my limitations I began to go out a bit more, but only if Beauty Queen was with me (so she could drive if need be) and/or my Sonshine (teen son). I still don’t go out alone, hopefully that will change at some point.

Back to this last week. I took Beauty Queen out and we went to several locations. We were able to accomplish all we set out to do and we had fun together. In the past, this never would’ve occurred. Then, the next day I had my hair appointment. Beauty Queen drove me and all turned out well. Today, I took the kids to get some breakfast and then to purchase some gourmet cupcakes for her birthday coming up. Usually, I wouldn’t even attempt to go outside my usual ten mile radius, but today, I actually drove all over, waaayyyy past my comfort zone, and I did it all without freaking out.

Sooo, I’m feeling quite free. Call it denial, or just taking back my life. Whatevs…all I know is that I haven’t felt this great in a long, long while.

I’m still on hiatus while I try to perfect this new life of mine. I do realize that this euphoria can’t last forever, or there won’t be some “sick” days, but my hope is that they are few and far between. Call it an experiment of sorts. I’m even taking a break from recording every detail of my illness on a daily basis (that’s one more thing I can check off the to-do list) I’ll be back shortly to share my progress.

I might be helpless at times, but I shall never be hopeless J

Hiatus

I haven’t been on lately to write. I’m going to take a bit of time off to regroup, actually a bit more time, I should say. I just haven’t had the mojo for writing lately, and since the only thing I am completely consistent with is inconsistency, I figured I’d just take a hiatus of sorts, or a continued hiatus it would seem.

I’ve basically been spending my time being extremely lazy. I wake and drag my sorry, sore butt out of bed to get my coffee and check all things online. I mean, I get the laundry done each week, but that’s about the extent of my life aside from spending an inordinate amount of time on the computer, obviously not writing.

Of course the first thing I do is check my email and read my daily love note from Big Handsome. Then, I commence the deletion process of all the silly emails that I get because I might have clicked on something-or-other while online. Note to self: make use of the “unsubscribe” button.

Hubs is still going through his Viral Labyrinthitis which is driving him nuts (and me too…shhhh, don’t tell him I said that; it’s really only driving me nuts because I can’t do anything to help him out). He hates feeling out of control and I don’t blame him. Although I have to say that one good thing that has come out of this whole ordeal is that he now has some sense of understanding me and my situation; I truly hope that does not come off as selfish.

Quite frankly, there is only so much research, questioning, and worrying I can do regarding my illness, and I’m finding out that I am so much more than my illness, thanks in part to an awesome new FB page I found, check it out: https://www.facebook.com/groups/potsyparadise/?hc_location=stream.  Believe me, I can commiserate with the best of them and am fully willing to do that if I can be of some encouragement along the way. At this point in time though, I feel the need to step back, enjoy the things I can do and focus on ways to improve my situation.

Plus, there is so much going on, what with the new school year starting up soon, planning my homeschool co-op classes (Art Appreciation and Chemistry), organizing/cleaning my house, getting up the motivation to begin working out again, trying to be creative with scrapbooking, art journaling, drawing, etc., in addition to gearing up for a much needed vacation soon.

I bid you all adieu for now. My hope is to return shortly with a better handle on my life and the ability to see beyond my illness to the person I know I can be.

I might feel helpless at times, but I shall never be hopeless :)

Top Ten Tuesdays

The saying “You don’t miss something until it’s gone” is such an integral part of my life now. There are so many things that people take for granted; so many things that I took for granted prior to becoming ill. I’d get aggravated by the weather if I happened to want to take the kids to the beach and it was raining.  I’d be peeved when someone would leave crumbs on the kitchen counter. I could get irritated when I wanted to wear a favorite shirt only to find that it was in the laundry and I’d have to find something else to wear. Now, these things that seemed like annoying issues at the time; I wish I had now. Thinking on all these things brings me to simple things that people take for granted. So here’s my Top Ten Tuesday list for today in no particular order:

Top Ten Things That I/Some People Take For Granted:

1. Waking to a new day each and every morning. As a chronically ill person, sometimes the thought of going to sleep is frightening as there are times when I think I might not wake up. Thus, the reason I now wear clothing to bed; I would hate for the EMT’s to see me naked, not to mention my poor children having to dress me prior to said EMT’s entering the house to take my body out. And, yes, I worry about my kids as well. So I’m thankful each and every morning that I wake up…and I’m fully clothed.

2. Awesome Husbands/Spouses.  There are people I know that complain endlessly about their spouses (and some with good reason), but I’ve also known people to have veritable saints for husbands and still find fault. I wouldn’t know where I’d be without my Big Handsome, and I make sure he knows that daily.

3. Going to the grocery store. Millions and millions of people complete this task on a daily basis and multiple times at that. I used to just get in my car and go, here, there, and everywhere. Now, I have a hard time getting to the grocery store, in fact, Big Handsome does the shopping now; how sad is that. I would hazard to guess that it is even more sad that a trip to the grocery store would be a feat in and of itself for me (might even be cause for a party provided I wasn’t too worn out from the shopping trip), yet most people accomplish this chore daily and don’t even think about it.

4. The backspace key. How many people even give this wonderful button a second thought? I know I do, quite frequently at that. If someone were to examine my keystrokes, they would see really quickly that the backspace key is my most frequently used key. With constant brain fog and a total lack of hand-eye coordination, I’m surprised that I can type at all.

5. Eyesight. Clearly, I’m thankful that I still have my eyesight for the most part. Recently, I’ve had to put reading glasses to use as my arms are no longer long enough and my kids wouldn’t be willing participants in holding papers three feet in front of me so that I could read them. Not only that, but it seems as though my eyesight gets worse by the day. I have to set the font type on 14 as I type this two feet from my face, just so I can see what I’ve written, and even then, that’s provided the floaty protozoan thingys in my eyes are swimming away from my center of vision.

6. Vacuuming. I know most people see this as a chore; I see it as an accomplishment in my house. I do have children that are perfectly capable of vacuuming, but I just can’t give up one of the things that I can still do relatively well, even if it takes a while, sometimes days to complete.

7. Chores in general. Vacuuming got me started thinking of all the chores around the house that need to be done and while most people see these as annoying chores, I see them more as opportunities. I used to dread and take chores for granted. I know, I might sound crazy, who would ever consider household tasks as something exciting. For a person living with chronic illness, I tend to hold on tight to the abilities that I still have and hope to continue having. Being able to complete a chore is an accomplishment as well as a moment of pride. Do I enjoy swishing the toilet? Honestly, no, but I can say that I don’t take that job for granted any longer.

8. Normal body function. Most people wake and totally take for granted that they can get out of bed, go to work, take care of family, etc. with minimal care about their bodily functions. As a person with chronic illness, I’ve become attuned to every breath. I can tell when my bp is up or down, when my breathing is shallow, when my heart rate is skyrocketing; you get the idea. Most people don’t give any of this stuff a second thought, and four years ago, I didn’t either. I never gave any of this “normal” functioning a thought at all, never crossed my mind. Of course, at that time, I was thinking about hopping in the car at any given moment to go to any given place.

9. Cooking. I would think that most people see this as just one more thing on the “to do” list for the day. I mean, I think there is some sort of law that states we have to feed our children daily, right? I was one of these moms that used to cook a well balanced breakfast (usually hot) every morning, make all sorts of fun stuff for lunch daily, and cook dinner at least 5 nights a week. Yes, I used to hate the dreaded question “What’s for dinner?” now; I’d give just about anything to cook for my family again.

10. Exercise. Granted, these days exercise is everywhere and many people engage in this activity for their physical health as well as mental health. Then, there are those that complain about their weight, or how tired they are, or how they can’t get to sleep, blah, blah, blah, but they choose not to do anything about it. Let me tell you, I bet if their ability to exercise was taken away, they’d think otherwise and start exercising. I used to walk, run for miles, ride my bicycle, run around with the kids; all sorts of physical activity. Now, I’m reduced to Wii bowling.

While I used to be one to take for granted every one of the above listed items, and while most of the items seem mundane to say the least, I certainly have learned to appreciate the small things in life.

So, appreciate the little things and the big things for that matter! Don’t wait until something is gone to miss it. Live each and every day as if tomorrow you could be diagnosed with some weird-off-the-wall-chronic illness-that not to many doctors know about-much less treat.

Try to find joy in all things, even if it is just swishing the toilet.

Warning...Pity Party

Okay, am I the only person on this earth that absolutely abhors summertime? I don’t mean the heat either. I mean the endless days with nothing to do. Of course there are a zillion things I could be doing, but what’s the point really? I’m fairly housebound and cleaning something really isn’t on the top of my priority list at this moment in time. I’m lucky to shower every day; that can be considered cleaning…right?? I feel like a prisoner in my own home!

During the school year, since I home school my two teens, there is always plenty to do. Lesson plans, helping with schoolwork, keeping the kids in line, record keeping and such continue to keep the kids and I quite busy. Albeit, they can’t even really participate in outside activities as I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to drive them to and from.

Plus this year I have committed to teaching in two home school co-ops (I know, I must’ve been on too much medication at the time!) I will be teaching Art Appreciation to high school homeschoolers in the spring, but I need to begin preparing now; I just wish I had the motivation. These classes are to be counted for .5 credits for high school graduation (no pressure). The thing is, is that I create these classes from scratch. I can’t even count all the hours I put into the planning. I also committed to teaching Chemistry to high school homeschoolers. The only good part about this one is that there are five other moms involved and we only really have to teach 4 chapters a piece.

Anyhoo, back to summertime, and well, life itself. I just feel so guilty when summertime comes around, since I don’t drive and can’t be one of those mothers that take their children here and there and everywhere during the summer break. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a firm believer that children don’t need to be entertained every second of every day, but when I have a teen son who plays video games for so many hours on end that I worry he’s going to get a blood clot, something’s gotta give. I just don’t know what or how to go about it.

Is it so totally sad that my dreams consist of my “old life”? Where I was one of those annoying loving moms that took their kids to museums, the theatre, movies, aquatic center, bird sanctuaries, the zoo, to play dates, etc. These days, my kids wake when they want, just because I don’t have the energy to go in and wake them. What for anyway? Am I going to wake them up so they can do nothing all day??? It’s such a struggle every morning to get my own lazy ass out of bed and for what, because the dishes need to be done, or laundry has to be thrown in? I used to be one of those moms that got up early, had my coffee and actually cooked a well balanced meal for breakfast before we set off on some new adventure. Now, I feel like a heap of useless skin. No direction, no motivation, no care, nothing, just nothing.

Obviously, I’m one of those people that can’t see the forest for the trees. All I see is one big ass tree that I can’t seem to get around. Now I’m thinking of that silly child’s song I used to sing to my children about the bear in the forest…can’t go under it, can’t go around it, guess I’ll have to go over it, or however it goes. Well, it seems as though I’ve been climbing and climbing and climbing and just can’t seem to get over it. I’m not one of those people that think that if it doesn’t kill you, it only makes you stronger. If that were the case, I could probably win the World’s Strongest Woman award many times over, and if Kelly Clarkson were in my living room, I think I’d have to punch her in the throat. As far as spoons go, I have none; I seem to have lost every friggin’ spoon I ever had. I wish I knew where to go to get some more.

And people around me just DON’T GET IT!!! I feel like complete caca when I see people on FB, “friends” of mine are getting together for a day at the beach, or going here or there. Do I get an invite? Hell no, why, you ask? Probably because they know that I’ll probably say no anyway, because I don’t drive that much. It sure would be kinda nice for one of these “friends” to give a call and say, “Hey, we’re going to so and so and we’d love for you to come, although if you’re not feeling up to it, I can always take your kids, I’m sure they’d love to go.” That would be an absolute Godsend. Is that terribly selfish of me??? I’d like to think that if I had a friend that was homebound with two antsy kids that would love to see the outside world every once in a while that I would so be willing to pick those kids up so that they wouldn’t feel so isolated, but maybe that’s just me.

I seriously want off this ride!

Top Ten Tuesdays

Well, I haven’t had time for much else besides my Top Ten Tuesday’s lists, and most weeks I can’t seem to get a handle on even these. I wish I could say that I haven’t had the time because I’ve been out yuckin’ it up with friends or going to the beach with the kids, but no, none of that fun stuff has been going on. It’s been weeks of doctor appointments and tests and more doctor appointments.

I’ve got a ton of work to do at home, but all that seems to get done around here are the necessary things like, laundry and maybe if I’m lucky, a swish of the toilets. I really need to enlist my teenagers to do some work around here, I’ll even pay them.

So, this is my Top Ten Tuesday list for today concerning things that need to get done around here. Some jobs only I can do, some I can ask the kids to do.

Top Ten Jobs that need to be done Around Here:

1. As I sit and type this up out on my back patio, I can see the dust and dirt building up around me. Usually, I try to super clean out here once a year in the fall, when it’s nice and cool outside. Well, this past fall, that didn’t happen, so now it’s doubly dirty. Since we live in the boonies surrounded by nurseries and dirt roads, my patio gets gross fairly easily. This might be a job to enlist the kids to do. It takes me hours usually to do it. I’ve got to move all the furniture out, roll up the carpet, sweep/vacuum everything, then get a bucket of bleach water and my trusty plastic broom and scrub the floor. This time, the screens need to be cleaned too. UGH, what a job!

2. I need to clean out my schoolroom. I home school my two children that are now teenagers in high school. Even though they are older now and mostly do their schoolwork in their rooms or sprawled on the living room floor, we still have our school room. If nothing else, it serves as a place to keep all our books and supplies. Bookshelves need to be cleaned off. Closet needs to be revamped. Table needs to be organized. This is a job mostly for me although, the kids can certainly help.

3. Put clean laundry away and throw two more loads in. Kids could do this one, but I actually enjoy doing laundry, I know, I’m weird.

4. Begin planning the first two chapters in Chemistry. A few homeschooling friends are getting together to co-op Chemistry this year. Each of us moms takes some chapters and holds the classes at our house during our weeks. The kids are responsible for the reading and work of course, but we parents are responsible for planning the experiments. Hopefully, no one’s house will blow up!!

5. I also need to begin planning the Art Appreciation class I will be teaching at another home school co-op in January. I know January seems so far away, but believe me; it will be here sooner than I think and I’d like to think that I don’t enjoy procrastinating. I’d rather get it done than to have it hanging over my head. Usually, by this time in the summer, I’ve planned and organized everything. I have barely begun to plan this class. I currently have a basic outline and when I say basic, I mean basic.

6. Tie up any loose ends with my kids’ schoolwork for this year. I have to get all their work and grades together, fill out transcripts, organize everything, make sure that they’ve done what they need to do as far as graduation requirements for the year (a little late for that really), pack it all together and file it away just in case the county comes and wants to make sure we really are homeschooling and my kids aren’t sitting around all day playing games.

7. Get my kids’ evaluations done for the county and sent out.

8. I need to do some sort of exercise whether it’s yoga or just some Wii Bowling.

9. Get my kids to clean their rooms, which oughta be fun.

10.  I need to clean the rest of my house. I could enlist the kids to help, but I might just need to hire someone to do the work.

The above are just a few of the items on my “to-do” list. These days, sadly, my mantra has been: Why do today what you can put off ‘till tomorrow?

I really am just lucky that everyone in the house has clean underwear at this point.

Top Ten Tuesdays

Hey there everyone! Here I am posting a Top Ten Tuesday on a Tuesday and there are 10!! With all that has been going on in my house, ie: a dizzy Big Handsome who’s been home for almost a week now with what seems to be viral Labyrinthitis (new word for the day, seriously I think doctors just make this shit up), this list is just a simple one I came up with. Enjoy my Top Ten movie list in no particular order:

Top Ten Movies I Love

1. The Blindside: Love Sandra Bullock not to mention a good story based on true events.

2. Mona Lisa Smile: Love Julia Roberts and that this movie is about art (and a bunch of other deeper issues) since I’ll be creating an Art Appreciation class for our homeschool co-op for next year.

3. Taken: Love, love, Liam Neeson, plus this movie is action packed. Needless to say, my daughter will not be going to Europe with a girlfriend in the near future.

4. Serendipity: Love, love, love John Cusack, one of my all time favorite actors. See #10.

5. Freedom Writers: Jennifer Garner is great in this movie, and since I also teach writing at our homeschool co-op, a great movie to add to the list.

6. The Lake House: Again, love Sandra Bullock and the fact that this movie has unexpected twists and turns.

7. Nights in Rodanthe: (Basically any movie from a Nicholas Sparks book) Have always loved Richard Gere as an actor, not to mention he’s easy on the eyes in my opinion.

8. The Notebook: This is possibly the one case where the movie was actually better than the book.

9. 10 Things I Hate About You: Always loved Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles. The movie is a great interpretation of Shakespeare’s “Taming of the Shrew”.

10. Anything by John Hughes (Say Anything is my fave!) Nuff said.