Dealing with Grief

Dealing with grief doesn’t always have to involve death. When living with chronic illness, grief can come in many different ways. In some cases it comes in the form of losing independence, the loss of certain functions and faculties, the loss of what our lives used to be. The difference between grieving over death and grieving through a chronic illness is that many times there is no closure. Things are just lost…out there in space with nary a way to retrieve them. Sometimes we can attempt to get these things back, there are times that they feel lost forever and in some cases, sadly, they are.

I’ve been reading Coping with Chronic Illness by: H. Norman Wright and Lynn Ellis and have been encouraged by what they have to say about this and want to encourage others with their words.

“…Like a silent conspiracy, we seem to have an unspoken agreement not to talk about what we can’t do anymore. Yet with each loss comes the potential for positive change, growth, insights, understanding, and refinement. One reason could be that these hope-filled opportunities are realized or come in the future, and we fail to see that far ahead when we’re in the midst of grief.

The losses of chronic illness ore often hidden. Some of them can be retrieved, some partly recovered, while some are permanent. Although we tend to ignore the losses, the emotional experiences of them are planted in our hearts and minds and no eraser can remove them.

The majority of losses we experience are difficult to grieve over, especially chronic illness. Why? Because losses aren’t usually recognized as such. In chronic illness, there’s no body, no funeral, and no public shoulder to cry on. There is no traditional, socially sanctioned outlet for mourning when the losses aren’t death related. Loss of physical functioning, relationships, and financial resources are not shared and mourned. There is no printed obituary, no ‘remains’ laid to rest, no public gathering to cement the fact and focus love and support on the sufferers.”

“…But the losses in chronic illness, which many seem invisible or insignificant to an outsider, are momentous to the one experiencing them. When it’s difficult to stand or comb our hair, sign our names legibly, climb stairs, or sit in regular chairs—those are major losses. Strength moving to weakness, independence moving to dependence, feeling sick rather than well soon define our lives. Physical losses nullify some hopes and dreams.

Is it the loss that throws us so much? Or could it be our perception or interpretation of what the loss means? We want to stop the decline, which we can’t do, but we can change what the loss means to us. There is a choice! We’re not talking a denial of the devastation but an acceptance of its effects and how to move on from here. Many of us measured our self-worth and identity by what we could do in a day. Now we need to find another guide. The old standards won’t work anymore. And the old standard was never the one God used to value us anyway!”

" … [this] is not a one-time experience but something that needs to be revisited from time to time.”

~Coping with Chronic Illness, Wright, H. Norman and Ellis, Lynn, Harvest House Publishers: 2010, Chapter 6, pages 87-89 (excerpts).

Later, the authors encourage one to “identify the loss or losses you’re experiencing”(pg. 89) and how they have had an impact on your life. They also encourage one to write an “illness and loss timeline” (pg. 89).

I think that it can be rewarding to write these instances on paper. It can be cathartic to just get it off your chest, out of your mind and by putting it in writing can be a liberating experience.

I think that “not talking [of] a denial of the devastation but an acceptance of its effects and how to move on from here” is a key statement, for me anyway. I’ve often heard people say that we, chronic illness sufferers, need to find our “new normal”. Well, quite frankly I don’t want to find a “new normal”; I want my “old normal” back! However, the optimal word in the previous statement is “need”. We need to search for it and we need to attempt to find it and rein it in for our own sanity. We may not be able to ever change our circumstances, but we can choose how we react and respond to those changes. We can try to accept these changes and move forward in an attempt to regain some semblance of normalcy.

After all; we might be helpless at times, but we shall never be hopeless.

This is my wish for all of us out there suffering daily, that we shall never be hopeless!