Top Ten Tuesdays

I have decided to do a blog post called “Top Ten Tuesdays”. Since I am fairly self-centered, these lists are going to be Top Tens that relate to me. The first part of recovery is admitting you have a problem, right?? Since I’ve chosen for this blog to be relatively anonymous, many people don’t know that much about me. Where can I let others in without (hopefully) being judged if not my own, personal blog?  These lists will be in no particular order because that would just take too much energy.

Some lists will be serious; some will be silly; it will all depend on how I’m feeling on that particular Tuesday.

Here goes my first Top Ten:

Top Ten Things That Annoy Me About Dealing With A Chronic Illness:

(This should probably be The Top 100 things…)

1. Trying to find my “new” normal. I’d love to just have my old normal back. I’d even settle for half-way normal; I’m not too demanding

2. People asking me “How are you?” I know they mean well most of the time, however I think that this particular question is overrated. I always pause before answering. I’d think to myself, do you really want to know, or should I just lie and say “I’m fine.”? I usually choose the latter because the person probably doesn’t really want to know how I am and/or I don’t have the time or energy to explain how I’m really feeling.

3. When people say “Wow, you look great! Have you lost weight?” This comment at first glance is one that I think most people, women especially would find a compliment, however when dealing with chronic illness, this comment can set off a variety of feelings. In my case, unfortunately they are not often too positive. First off, if I felt remotely as good as someone might think I look; I’d be doing better than alright. Just because I have make-up on and a pressed skirt doesn’t mean that I’m not falling apart on the inside. Secondly, yes, I have lost weight, but certainly not because I’ve tried. I would gladly take the thirty pounds I’ve lost over the last few years and tack it right back on (and then some maybe) if it meant I could kick this whole POTS thing.

4. When someone assumes that I must be cured because they saw me out and about in town. If I’m out and about, I’m usually accompanied by Big Handsome (aka my chauffeur) and/or my children (my dd being the fill-in chauffeur). Most of the time he/they has/have to practically drag me out of the house because if he/they  didn’t, I’d surely become a hermit. It’s pretty sad when taking a trip to the grocery store is an accomplishment.

5. Not getting enough sleep. I have constant ringing in my ears (tinnitus) which is akin to having a swarm of vicious crickets swirling around in my head. There is no way to get rid of it/them. I so wish they’d find somewhere else to chirp. As a result, I have an intimate relationship with Netflix via my Nook. I’ve watched so many shows and movies, I’ve lost count. I watch until my eyes can no longer stay open and many a morning I wake to find my Nook, on top of, beside, or underneath me.

6. Missing out on the lives of my children. As my children grew into teens, I so looked forward to the time when I could take my dd out to Starbucks and enjoy a coffee and conversation about life or just go to the mall for some girl-time. I would love to take my ds to the nearest army surplus and/or gun store (he’s a collector) and have some mother-son time. We used to be so active together going on field trips, park days, science classes at the local hammock, music lessons, gymnastics, church functions, playdates, going to museums, taking the train downtown and so much more. I miss those days terribly and would give anything to have them back.

7. Feeling the need to say “I’m sorry” all the time.

8. Anxiety annoys me. I have anxiety about my anxiety and I don’t like it one bit.

9. I am annoyed by the fact that I can’t take care of my family the way I used to. I used to cook, clean, school the kids, do the yard work complete with mowing and weedeating, do the grocery shopping and any other shopping that needed to be done. Now it seems as though I can hardly do a thing without some sort of assistance. I guess it annoys me that I am so needy.

10. This has nothing to do with dealing with chronic illness, but annoys me none the less: slowing to a stop to let someone walk across the way and them not even bothering to acknowledge your act of kindness. Seriously, it annoys me that people can be so rude!

Be on the lookout for my next installment of Top Ten Tuesdays J