Grieving Continued…

I’ve continued to read “Coping with Chronic Illness” by H. Norman Wright and Lynn Ellis and have received such encouragement and blessing; I just have to share it.

I’m still reading about grief and what it means for a person dealing with chronic illness. Sadly, this past year I had to deal with grief in the form of the untimely death of my beloved mother. Suffice it to say that I have had to deal with grief in the form of death, and now I have to deal with it in the form of a life altered by chronic illness. Even though the two are quite different, the process of grief is basically the same.

I’ve learned that I am “stuck” in this whole grieving process. Instead of just going through the process, I’m holding on to the feelings of loss and what might have been. When we get “stuck” in this area, it is hard to dig ourselves out of this pit of despair. Emotions are supposed to help us cope and move on, but in some instances, while they are meant to be here for a season, at times they seem to linger. Sometimes we just can’t seem to let them go, hence the “stuck” part. At times these emotions can take up permanent residence and prevent us from moving forward, finding and implementing new coping skills.

So… I am “stuck”. I don’t want to be, but I am still grieving the loss of my old self. It is hard for me to find my new “normal” and to get on with my life. I miss the old me, all the things I used to do and be able to do that now don’t even seem to be in my future anymore. I grieve for my husband and my children and the wife and mother that they once knew, but is now gone and may never return. For the sake of them and myself; I must regain, reboot and reorder my life. I must pick myself up by the bootstraps and keep on keeping on. I owe it to them and to myself. In order to move on I must face the painful reality of my situation. I must overcome my denial and wishful thinking that things will ever be the same again, because the simple fact is, is that things might never be the same. Please don’t mistake this for hopelessness; as I’ve always said, at times I might be helpless, but I shall never be hopeless!  I have no control over my body or my physical state; what I do have control over, however is how I choose to react and respond to the issues at hand. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, and sometimes one second at a time.

In the above book, the authors ask and answer this question: “What can you expect from grief?” (P.104-105)

·        Your grief will take more time and energy than you ever imagined.

·        Your grief will involve many changes.

·        Your grief will show itself in all spheres of your life.

·        Your grief will depend on how you perceive your chronic illness losses.

·        You will grieve for what you have lost already and for what you have lost for    the future.

·        Your grief will entail mourning for the hope, dreams, and unfulfilled expectations you held.

·        Your grief will involve a wide variety of feelings and reaction, more than just the general ones often depicted with grief, such as depression and sadness.

·        Your losses will resurrect old issues, feelings, and unresolved conflicts from the past.

·        You may experience a combination of anger and depression, such as irritability, frustration, annoyance, and intolerance.

·        You will feel some anger and guilt--or at least manifestations of these emotions.

·        You may experience “grief spasms--acute upsurges of grief that occur without warning.

·        You will have trouble thinking about memories, organizational tasks, intellectual processing, and making decisions, depending on your illness.

·        You may feel like you’re going crazy.

·        You may find yourself acting socially in ways that are different from before.

·        You may feel isolated.

·        You may find yourself having a number of physical reactions other than your illness.

·        Others will have unrealistic expectations about you and may respond inappropriately to you (19).

·        The uncertainty of what the future hold denies you the luxury of grieving fully (20).

(19) Rando, Grieving, p. 19, adapted.

(20) Chris McGonigle, Surviving Your Spouse’s Chronic Illness” (New York:

        Henry Holt and Co., 1999), p. 20.

I have a loooong way to go, but go I will, defeat this grief, find the new me and joyfully exchange it for the old.

This is my hope, not only for my family and me, but for all who suffer with chronic illness.

After all, we may be helpless at times, but we shall never be hopeless J