To Pursue or not to Pursue...

To Pursue or not to Pursue…

That is the question. I was diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome in 2009 following an ER/hospital visit. “Visit” isn’t quite the right word. To use the term “visit” implies that one has a choice in the matter, like, “I’d like to visit the sulfur cliffs in Pamukkale, Turkey". I’ve never known of a person wanting to visit the ER/hospital for their own health reasons. So, I guess I should really say, I was diagnosed following a totally reluctant, dragged kicking and screaming (really I was just driven by Big Handsome as I lay lifeless in the front seat, but if I’d had the energy and wasn’t so worried I was going to die on the spot, I would’ve definitely gone kicking and screaming) ER/hospital stay.  Actually, I was diagnosed after having a Tilt Table Test with “probably POTS”. This begs the question, do I really have POTS or is it just probably?

I’ve been to Cardiologists, Electrophysiologists, GP’s, a Neurologist and even a Psychologist. They’ve all just taken the original diagnosis, concurred, and other than my current GP have given no efforts to treat me. It’s always in the back of my mind that something else might be wrong. I am a firm believer in “everything happens for a reason.” Not in the spiritual sense mind you (although I do believe in that as well, just not for this instance), but in the sense that there must be a reason for this illness. I feel like once that reason is discovered, maybe, just maybe I could get better treatment and attempt to get my life back.

One thing I haven’t done is travel to the few specialists around the country. I’m still on the fence about this. I feel like, why travel for them to tell me what the others have told me, “There’s nothing we can do, eat more salt, drink more water and go live a normal life”? My life over the last four years has been anything but normal. I know it sounds silly, but I can’t just pick up and fly around the country for appointments. For one thing, Big Handsome would have to take time off work. Not that he’s not willing to do that, but how much time? He’s my American Express card so to speak; I never leave home without him. We don’t have family near us that can help out with the kids either, which means that we’d have to drag them along with us. I know you are probably wondering why I complain about all these things and never seem to attempt to find the answers no matter how inconvenient it might be. This is a question I ask myself frequently. I guess I just feel like since I haven’t really had the best of experiences with doctors, why go through all the trouble of traveling, money spent, time spent if all they might do is tell me what all the other doctors have told me? Yes, I do realize that they just might have new information or insight, but I guess I’m just not willing to take the gamble.

I used to be an active, stay at home, homeschooling mom. I am still the latter, just not the former. I feel like I live my life pretending everything is okay. Why can’t people just understand that I feel like crap every single day of my life; it’s just the degree of crappiness that waxes and wanes.

So, I’m contemplating beginning at the beginning. Yes, starting over, but I just don’t know. I don’t know if I can take the emotional and mental stress of it all.

On the flip-side of the coin, (you’ll soon see that my coin has many sides) do I just continue to ignore the fact that I probably have a chronic illness??? Do I continue to wear more masks than all shows performed on Broadway combined? Do I just look in the mirror and repeat some mantra of some sort? As the title of my blog states, I am never hopeless, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t have really crappy days where I just don’t want to pretend anymore.

Place I'd like to visit willingly

 

Place no one ever wants to visit willingly