My Beloved Ma

Yesterday, September 14^th, marked one year since my beloved mother left this earth at the age of 68. I still cannot fathom that she is gone. When I think of her, I still think of her in her chair in her living room, draped in her prayer blanket, handmade by the ladies in her church, watching TV. Of course I try not to remember the myriad attachments she had, like the oxygen machine, her feeding tube, and all the health paraphernalia she had on the table beside her.

I try not to remember the tired look in her eyes, the effort that was expended when she would use her walker to walk one lap around the kitchen, or her labored breathing due to only having one lung. I don’t like to think on these things, but it is so hard as she was sick for so long. I try not to dwell on what was supposed to be a routine hiatal hernia surgery gone terribly awry on April 22, 2005.

I try not to focus on the proximal distance between us because she and my father lived halfway across the country. I don’t want to think about the coulda’s, woulda’s and shoulda’s.

Instead, I shall celebrate her life and the joy that she brought to my life, my husband’s and my children’s.

She was an awesome mom; she was “Ma” to me. My Ma was not only my mother; she was my friend, my confidant, my protector, my cheerleader and so much more.

My Ma loved her husband, my father for 50+ years. She loved her four children. She loved her daughter’s-in-law and her son’s-in-law.  She loved each and every one of her 13 grandchildren. She loved to brag about all of our achievements, and she was always there to cheer us on when we stumbled.

My ma was the one I always went to when I had a question about anything from flowers to recipes to remedies. She was my go-to gal. I could always count on her. I find it such a shame that she missed the whole iPhone, FB, Skype, YouTube, Pinterest etc. era. She would’ve loved it all.

I wish I could have FB’d with her, and I would have on a daily basis. I would have loved to share a funny video via YouTube with her just to hear her contagious laugh. I would have loved to Skype with her so that I could see her beautiful smile. I know if she could have Pinterested, she would have had a bazillion boards.

My Ma was a beautiful soul. I miss her daily. I think of her often. I miss her affirmations of love. I would love to hear her refer to me as “a neat kid” one more time.

Excerpt from my dad’s thoughts about yesterday…beautifully articulated:

“To my dear sweet gentle bride how I have missed you this past year.

I can’t believe that it has been a year since you left this life. It seems like yesterday when you asked us to gather around your bed for one last time. This wasn’t the first time we would come from out of town prepared for the worst but still praying for the best.

Over seven and a half years of recuperation this scenario was repeated several times. But, this time you lowered your head slightly and wrinkled your brow a little as you gave a stern look in our direction, as if you were about to scold us, as only a mother could do. You pointed to each one of us and made us promise to look after each other when you were no longer there to watch over us and protect us. That very moment we all did take up that solemn promise to you and agreed to do as you asked. Now, it is up to each of us to individually search our hearts and know whether or not we have kept that promise!

You are sorely missed by those lives you touched and by all who knew you and loved you. But, none more than the one whom you built a life with. A life of thousands of thoughts, plans, events and dreams that we knit together with each other growing and building that life. Hardly a day goes by that my memory doesn’t dig deep into the past and somehow recall one of those many thousands of something’s that we shared together over those fifty years we were together.

I praise God for that life he gave to us. May God forever rest your soul. I love you sweetie.”

I praise God for my mother’s and father’s testimony of love and devotion. I will always miss my Ma, but it will be with the fondest of memories. May her beloved soul rest in the peace of Jesus today and always.

Shout Out to My Big Handsome

I wanted to give a ginormous shout out to my Big Handsome. Let me just tell you that my Big Handsome has been my lifesaver.
 

A bit of our background: I was just out of high school when I met Big Handsome through one of my older brothers at a Youth for Christ youth group. I had been going to the group most of my high school years. Big Handsome was a few years older than me and in college locally.

I’ll never forget the day I laid eyes on him. I was in my girlfriend’s car getting ready to leave and in the rearview mirror I saw a little red truck pull into the parking lot. I had never seen the truck before and was intrigued as to who this new-comer was. Then I saw the most beautiful male specimen (in my opinion) climb out and walk toward my brother. He was wearing a tight blue and white pullover and a pair of stone washed Edwin® jeans (it was the 80’s after all). I told my friend, “Pull back in, and let’s see who he is!” I jumped out of the car and did my best impression of a nonchalant run/walk over to my brother. My brother introduced us and immediately, the cat got my tongue! I muttered a shy, quick hello as I stood there mesmerized by the most incredible smile complete with a perfect set of pearly white teeth. I was lost in his smoldering, bedroom sea-green eyes. His set of pecs weren’t so bad either (I’m just now realizing that I’m not writing a romance novel J ). From then on my friend and I nicknamed him The Model. Let me tell you, I wasn’t the only female that night drawn to him either. He was the proverbial “chick-magnet”. I thought to myself, I’ll never have a chance with him as I stood there watching all the other girls swoon over him. But, the Lord had something else in mind.

I also had something the other girls didn’t have, a brother with whom The Model was friends. Over the next several months we became fast friends. We would talk for long periods of time and he was at our house a lot, first to see my brother, then slowly to see me (that was my hope anyway). That was 25 years ago…

Fast forward to present: As most of you know by now he is tall, dark and oh, so handsome, so much so that every time I see him I still get butterflies. He is also my best friend, lover, soul mate and someone I would lay my life down for. We have been married 21 glorious years (ok, maybe some not so glorious, but who doesn’t experience that at some point?), and have been together 25+. He has taught me the true meaning of loving someone “in sickness and in health”. Over the years, he has taught me that love is not a feeling; it’s an act of your will. He has chosen to love me, all of me (illness included), and tells me often that he wouldn’t want it (our lives) any other way. It is so wonderful to love, be loved, but is such a blessing to also be “in love”.

He has been with me through it all: the doctor’s appointments (and there have been many), the turmoil, the depression, the life altering anxiety, the victories, the “I’m done” phase, the crying, kicking, screaming, throwing myself on the bed, the “why me” phase…like I said, through it all. He has taken over the grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, taking/picking up kids from various functions, running bunches of errands, putting up with me (which in and of itself is quite the job, see above) and all of this on top of having his own health issues as well as a very demanding, stressful job that keeps him on call for what seems like, 24/7/365. He is, for all intents and purposes, my Superman.

We were watching the movie “Touchback” the other night. If you haven’t had the chance to watch it, try to watch it. It is one of those tear jerker, emotional, inspirational type movies. There is a song at the end called “Nothing Without You” by Phil Vassar. This has now become our new song. Big Handsome plays it every chance he gets and even sent me some of the lyrics in his daily love letter to me this morning (yes, he sends me little love letter emails every morning; one of the reasons I get out of bed each day).

He is by no means perfect (even he will tell you), but one thing’s for sure, he’s perfect for me.

My hope and prayer for our children is that they find a husband/wife that is half the person my Big Handsome is.

So…here’s to you my Big Handsome J Thank you for your love and devotion, for your integrity, your work ethic, your positive attitude, your chivalry, for your example to our children of what a great husband looks and acts like, and most of all for loving me through everything. You are my hero and I’m nothing without you.

P.S. Just told Big Handsome that I was doing a shout out to him on my blog. His response, “Better than being shouted at!” I just gotta love my Big Handsome J

http://youtu.be/FqLIy4bWFqU

Here's To My Big Handsome

My Big Handsome is more than I could have ever wished for in a husband. He is loving, kindhearted, generous, doting, strong, full of integrity, oh, I could go on and on and on.

I call him My Big Handsome because he is just that, tall, dark and oh, so very handsome. He is so much more though. He is my soul mate, my best friend, lover, husband and a truly awesome dad to our children.

He has always been my sounding board and my voice of reason. When I was diagnosed with this horrendous illness, he was right by my side and hasn't left since. He is the epitome of strength. He constantly reminds me of his love for me and the fact that we will get through this together.

Every morning I sit in my covered porch and check my email, have my coffee, and enjoy some alone time before the gems get up. I look forward to this daily as My Big Handsome writes me little love notes each morning. Sometimes it's just a simple "I love you" other times they come in the form of poetry or song lyrics. They lift my spirits each morning and they are one of the reasons I get out of bed every day.

Having this illness has turned our household upside down. It keeps me, at times from enjoying even the simplest things in life. I hold fast to my faith and am so thankful that the Lord lead me to My Big Handsome. He couldn't have chosen better for me.

I know that living with me and my current physical state can be frustrating at times for My Big Handsome, but he somehow keeps it all together for all of us and I pray that the Lord blesses him immensely.

This is not to say that he is perfect, but I'll tell you one thing, he is perfect for me.

After 21 years of marriage, I can honestly say that to love and be loved is a gift, but to have that and be "in love" too is truly a blessing, and one that I don't take lightly. You see, love is not a feeling, it's an act of your will. I'm so grateful that My Big Handsome chooses to love me...warts and all.

Here's to My Big Handsome...I love you more than words can say.

 

My Big Handsome always knows when I need a pick-me-up!

(source: Pinterest)