Hiatus

I haven’t been on lately to write. I’m going to take a bit of time off to regroup, actually a bit more time, I should say. I just haven’t had the mojo for writing lately, and since the only thing I am completely consistent with is inconsistency, I figured I’d just take a hiatus of sorts, or a continued hiatus it would seem.

I’ve basically been spending my time being extremely lazy. I wake and drag my sorry, sore butt out of bed to get my coffee and check all things online. I mean, I get the laundry done each week, but that’s about the extent of my life aside from spending an inordinate amount of time on the computer, obviously not writing.

Of course the first thing I do is check my email and read my daily love note from Big Handsome. Then, I commence the deletion process of all the silly emails that I get because I might have clicked on something-or-other while online. Note to self: make use of the “unsubscribe” button.

Hubs is still going through his Viral Labyrinthitis which is driving him nuts (and me too…shhhh, don’t tell him I said that; it’s really only driving me nuts because I can’t do anything to help him out). He hates feeling out of control and I don’t blame him. Although I have to say that one good thing that has come out of this whole ordeal is that he now has some sense of understanding me and my situation; I truly hope that does not come off as selfish.

Quite frankly, there is only so much research, questioning, and worrying I can do regarding my illness, and I’m finding out that I am so much more than my illness, thanks in part to an awesome new FB page I found, check it out: https://www.facebook.com/groups/potsyparadise/?hc_location=stream.  Believe me, I can commiserate with the best of them and am fully willing to do that if I can be of some encouragement along the way. At this point in time though, I feel the need to step back, enjoy the things I can do and focus on ways to improve my situation.

Plus, there is so much going on, what with the new school year starting up soon, planning my homeschool co-op classes (Art Appreciation and Chemistry), organizing/cleaning my house, getting up the motivation to begin working out again, trying to be creative with scrapbooking, art journaling, drawing, etc., in addition to gearing up for a much needed vacation soon.

I bid you all adieu for now. My hope is to return shortly with a better handle on my life and the ability to see beyond my illness to the person I know I can be.

I might feel helpless at times, but I shall never be hopeless :)

Top Ten Tuesdays

The saying “You don’t miss something until it’s gone” is such an integral part of my life now. There are so many things that people take for granted; so many things that I took for granted prior to becoming ill. I’d get aggravated by the weather if I happened to want to take the kids to the beach and it was raining.  I’d be peeved when someone would leave crumbs on the kitchen counter. I could get irritated when I wanted to wear a favorite shirt only to find that it was in the laundry and I’d have to find something else to wear. Now, these things that seemed like annoying issues at the time; I wish I had now. Thinking on all these things brings me to simple things that people take for granted. So here’s my Top Ten Tuesday list for today in no particular order:

Top Ten Things That I/Some People Take For Granted:

1. Waking to a new day each and every morning. As a chronically ill person, sometimes the thought of going to sleep is frightening as there are times when I think I might not wake up. Thus, the reason I now wear clothing to bed; I would hate for the EMT’s to see me naked, not to mention my poor children having to dress me prior to said EMT’s entering the house to take my body out. And, yes, I worry about my kids as well. So I’m thankful each and every morning that I wake up…and I’m fully clothed.

2. Awesome Husbands/Spouses.  There are people I know that complain endlessly about their spouses (and some with good reason), but I’ve also known people to have veritable saints for husbands and still find fault. I wouldn’t know where I’d be without my Big Handsome, and I make sure he knows that daily.

3. Going to the grocery store. Millions and millions of people complete this task on a daily basis and multiple times at that. I used to just get in my car and go, here, there, and everywhere. Now, I have a hard time getting to the grocery store, in fact, Big Handsome does the shopping now; how sad is that. I would hazard to guess that it is even more sad that a trip to the grocery store would be a feat in and of itself for me (might even be cause for a party provided I wasn’t too worn out from the shopping trip), yet most people accomplish this chore daily and don’t even think about it.

4. The backspace key. How many people even give this wonderful button a second thought? I know I do, quite frequently at that. If someone were to examine my keystrokes, they would see really quickly that the backspace key is my most frequently used key. With constant brain fog and a total lack of hand-eye coordination, I’m surprised that I can type at all.

5. Eyesight. Clearly, I’m thankful that I still have my eyesight for the most part. Recently, I’ve had to put reading glasses to use as my arms are no longer long enough and my kids wouldn’t be willing participants in holding papers three feet in front of me so that I could read them. Not only that, but it seems as though my eyesight gets worse by the day. I have to set the font type on 14 as I type this two feet from my face, just so I can see what I’ve written, and even then, that’s provided the floaty protozoan thingys in my eyes are swimming away from my center of vision.

6. Vacuuming. I know most people see this as a chore; I see it as an accomplishment in my house. I do have children that are perfectly capable of vacuuming, but I just can’t give up one of the things that I can still do relatively well, even if it takes a while, sometimes days to complete.

7. Chores in general. Vacuuming got me started thinking of all the chores around the house that need to be done and while most people see these as annoying chores, I see them more as opportunities. I used to dread and take chores for granted. I know, I might sound crazy, who would ever consider household tasks as something exciting. For a person living with chronic illness, I tend to hold on tight to the abilities that I still have and hope to continue having. Being able to complete a chore is an accomplishment as well as a moment of pride. Do I enjoy swishing the toilet? Honestly, no, but I can say that I don’t take that job for granted any longer.

8. Normal body function. Most people wake and totally take for granted that they can get out of bed, go to work, take care of family, etc. with minimal care about their bodily functions. As a person with chronic illness, I’ve become attuned to every breath. I can tell when my bp is up or down, when my breathing is shallow, when my heart rate is skyrocketing; you get the idea. Most people don’t give any of this stuff a second thought, and four years ago, I didn’t either. I never gave any of this “normal” functioning a thought at all, never crossed my mind. Of course, at that time, I was thinking about hopping in the car at any given moment to go to any given place.

9. Cooking. I would think that most people see this as just one more thing on the “to do” list for the day. I mean, I think there is some sort of law that states we have to feed our children daily, right? I was one of these moms that used to cook a well balanced breakfast (usually hot) every morning, make all sorts of fun stuff for lunch daily, and cook dinner at least 5 nights a week. Yes, I used to hate the dreaded question “What’s for dinner?” now; I’d give just about anything to cook for my family again.

10. Exercise. Granted, these days exercise is everywhere and many people engage in this activity for their physical health as well as mental health. Then, there are those that complain about their weight, or how tired they are, or how they can’t get to sleep, blah, blah, blah, but they choose not to do anything about it. Let me tell you, I bet if their ability to exercise was taken away, they’d think otherwise and start exercising. I used to walk, run for miles, ride my bicycle, run around with the kids; all sorts of physical activity. Now, I’m reduced to Wii bowling.

While I used to be one to take for granted every one of the above listed items, and while most of the items seem mundane to say the least, I certainly have learned to appreciate the small things in life.

So, appreciate the little things and the big things for that matter! Don’t wait until something is gone to miss it. Live each and every day as if tomorrow you could be diagnosed with some weird-off-the-wall-chronic illness-that not to many doctors know about-much less treat.

Try to find joy in all things, even if it is just swishing the toilet.

Warning...Pity Party

Okay, am I the only person on this earth that absolutely abhors summertime? I don’t mean the heat either. I mean the endless days with nothing to do. Of course there are a zillion things I could be doing, but what’s the point really? I’m fairly housebound and cleaning something really isn’t on the top of my priority list at this moment in time. I’m lucky to shower every day; that can be considered cleaning…right?? I feel like a prisoner in my own home!

During the school year, since I home school my two teens, there is always plenty to do. Lesson plans, helping with schoolwork, keeping the kids in line, record keeping and such continue to keep the kids and I quite busy. Albeit, they can’t even really participate in outside activities as I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to drive them to and from.

Plus this year I have committed to teaching in two home school co-ops (I know, I must’ve been on too much medication at the time!) I will be teaching Art Appreciation to high school homeschoolers in the spring, but I need to begin preparing now; I just wish I had the motivation. These classes are to be counted for .5 credits for high school graduation (no pressure). The thing is, is that I create these classes from scratch. I can’t even count all the hours I put into the planning. I also committed to teaching Chemistry to high school homeschoolers. The only good part about this one is that there are five other moms involved and we only really have to teach 4 chapters a piece.

Anyhoo, back to summertime, and well, life itself. I just feel so guilty when summertime comes around, since I don’t drive and can’t be one of those mothers that take their children here and there and everywhere during the summer break. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a firm believer that children don’t need to be entertained every second of every day, but when I have a teen son who plays video games for so many hours on end that I worry he’s going to get a blood clot, something’s gotta give. I just don’t know what or how to go about it.

Is it so totally sad that my dreams consist of my “old life”? Where I was one of those annoying loving moms that took their kids to museums, the theatre, movies, aquatic center, bird sanctuaries, the zoo, to play dates, etc. These days, my kids wake when they want, just because I don’t have the energy to go in and wake them. What for anyway? Am I going to wake them up so they can do nothing all day??? It’s such a struggle every morning to get my own lazy ass out of bed and for what, because the dishes need to be done, or laundry has to be thrown in? I used to be one of those moms that got up early, had my coffee and actually cooked a well balanced meal for breakfast before we set off on some new adventure. Now, I feel like a heap of useless skin. No direction, no motivation, no care, nothing, just nothing.

Obviously, I’m one of those people that can’t see the forest for the trees. All I see is one big ass tree that I can’t seem to get around. Now I’m thinking of that silly child’s song I used to sing to my children about the bear in the forest…can’t go under it, can’t go around it, guess I’ll have to go over it, or however it goes. Well, it seems as though I’ve been climbing and climbing and climbing and just can’t seem to get over it. I’m not one of those people that think that if it doesn’t kill you, it only makes you stronger. If that were the case, I could probably win the World’s Strongest Woman award many times over, and if Kelly Clarkson were in my living room, I think I’d have to punch her in the throat. As far as spoons go, I have none; I seem to have lost every friggin’ spoon I ever had. I wish I knew where to go to get some more.

And people around me just DON’T GET IT!!! I feel like complete caca when I see people on FB, “friends” of mine are getting together for a day at the beach, or going here or there. Do I get an invite? Hell no, why, you ask? Probably because they know that I’ll probably say no anyway, because I don’t drive that much. It sure would be kinda nice for one of these “friends” to give a call and say, “Hey, we’re going to so and so and we’d love for you to come, although if you’re not feeling up to it, I can always take your kids, I’m sure they’d love to go.” That would be an absolute Godsend. Is that terribly selfish of me??? I’d like to think that if I had a friend that was homebound with two antsy kids that would love to see the outside world every once in a while that I would so be willing to pick those kids up so that they wouldn’t feel so isolated, but maybe that’s just me.

I seriously want off this ride!

Top Ten Tuesdays

Well, I haven’t had time for much else besides my Top Ten Tuesday’s lists, and most weeks I can’t seem to get a handle on even these. I wish I could say that I haven’t had the time because I’ve been out yuckin’ it up with friends or going to the beach with the kids, but no, none of that fun stuff has been going on. It’s been weeks of doctor appointments and tests and more doctor appointments.

I’ve got a ton of work to do at home, but all that seems to get done around here are the necessary things like, laundry and maybe if I’m lucky, a swish of the toilets. I really need to enlist my teenagers to do some work around here, I’ll even pay them.

So, this is my Top Ten Tuesday list for today concerning things that need to get done around here. Some jobs only I can do, some I can ask the kids to do.

Top Ten Jobs that need to be done Around Here:

1. As I sit and type this up out on my back patio, I can see the dust and dirt building up around me. Usually, I try to super clean out here once a year in the fall, when it’s nice and cool outside. Well, this past fall, that didn’t happen, so now it’s doubly dirty. Since we live in the boonies surrounded by nurseries and dirt roads, my patio gets gross fairly easily. This might be a job to enlist the kids to do. It takes me hours usually to do it. I’ve got to move all the furniture out, roll up the carpet, sweep/vacuum everything, then get a bucket of bleach water and my trusty plastic broom and scrub the floor. This time, the screens need to be cleaned too. UGH, what a job!

2. I need to clean out my schoolroom. I home school my two children that are now teenagers in high school. Even though they are older now and mostly do their schoolwork in their rooms or sprawled on the living room floor, we still have our school room. If nothing else, it serves as a place to keep all our books and supplies. Bookshelves need to be cleaned off. Closet needs to be revamped. Table needs to be organized. This is a job mostly for me although, the kids can certainly help.

3. Put clean laundry away and throw two more loads in. Kids could do this one, but I actually enjoy doing laundry, I know, I’m weird.

4. Begin planning the first two chapters in Chemistry. A few homeschooling friends are getting together to co-op Chemistry this year. Each of us moms takes some chapters and holds the classes at our house during our weeks. The kids are responsible for the reading and work of course, but we parents are responsible for planning the experiments. Hopefully, no one’s house will blow up!!

5. I also need to begin planning the Art Appreciation class I will be teaching at another home school co-op in January. I know January seems so far away, but believe me; it will be here sooner than I think and I’d like to think that I don’t enjoy procrastinating. I’d rather get it done than to have it hanging over my head. Usually, by this time in the summer, I’ve planned and organized everything. I have barely begun to plan this class. I currently have a basic outline and when I say basic, I mean basic.

6. Tie up any loose ends with my kids’ schoolwork for this year. I have to get all their work and grades together, fill out transcripts, organize everything, make sure that they’ve done what they need to do as far as graduation requirements for the year (a little late for that really), pack it all together and file it away just in case the county comes and wants to make sure we really are homeschooling and my kids aren’t sitting around all day playing games.

7. Get my kids’ evaluations done for the county and sent out.

8. I need to do some sort of exercise whether it’s yoga or just some Wii Bowling.

9. Get my kids to clean their rooms, which oughta be fun.

10.  I need to clean the rest of my house. I could enlist the kids to help, but I might just need to hire someone to do the work.

The above are just a few of the items on my “to-do” list. These days, sadly, my mantra has been: Why do today what you can put off ‘till tomorrow?

I really am just lucky that everyone in the house has clean underwear at this point.

Top Ten Tuesdays

Hey there everyone! Here I am posting a Top Ten Tuesday on a Tuesday and there are 10!! With all that has been going on in my house, ie: a dizzy Big Handsome who’s been home for almost a week now with what seems to be viral Labyrinthitis (new word for the day, seriously I think doctors just make this shit up), this list is just a simple one I came up with. Enjoy my Top Ten movie list in no particular order:

Top Ten Movies I Love

1. The Blindside: Love Sandra Bullock not to mention a good story based on true events.

2. Mona Lisa Smile: Love Julia Roberts and that this movie is about art (and a bunch of other deeper issues) since I’ll be creating an Art Appreciation class for our homeschool co-op for next year.

3. Taken: Love, love, Liam Neeson, plus this movie is action packed. Needless to say, my daughter will not be going to Europe with a girlfriend in the near future.

4. Serendipity: Love, love, love John Cusack, one of my all time favorite actors. See #10.

5. Freedom Writers: Jennifer Garner is great in this movie, and since I also teach writing at our homeschool co-op, a great movie to add to the list.

6. The Lake House: Again, love Sandra Bullock and the fact that this movie has unexpected twists and turns.

7. Nights in Rodanthe: (Basically any movie from a Nicholas Sparks book) Have always loved Richard Gere as an actor, not to mention he’s easy on the eyes in my opinion.

8. The Notebook: This is possibly the one case where the movie was actually better than the book.

9. 10 Things I Hate About You: Always loved Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles. The movie is a great interpretation of Shakespeare’s “Taming of the Shrew”.

10. Anything by John Hughes (Say Anything is my fave!) Nuff said.